Sometimes I feel down on myself

When I fell sick, I lost a lot of time, a lot of work, a lot of living.

I was so, and still am, fatigued that I could no longer do all the 1000’s of things i used to be able to do – which felt just natural to me. I had readapt my life, and find new ways of coping and registering when things were becoming too much.

I would be lying if I said I knew my limits now, years on. Because I don’t and some weeks, after weeks of being on the grind, I find myself on my knees. My fatigue levels effect how I cope with the pain in my body that’s always ever-present. My 2 year long headache becomes literally unbearable, to the point one day a few weeks ago i literally  physically had to crawl up the stairs to my house, and to my room, and my neck & head hurt so much i couldn’t  move/lift it – i had to just lay in bed for 15 hours. Then I got shingles for the bazillion’th time.

These – what I call relapses – affect all the habits that I’ve put in place in my life to try and be better.

The fitness ones are always the first to go.

Then any work habits i’ve put in place to help try and ease my weekend workload. So it makes my work much slower, and if I say something could be done by Monday it works out next Monday.

Any healthy-cooking-eating habits, gone. Microwave meals or noodles take 4 minutes and I can go to sleep.

I start becoming even worse at replying emails. And i’m no longer the best like I used to be when I’m on a roll.

And it makes me feel even more like crap. Like  I can’t do normal things, I can’t have a work-life balance. That I feel like I’m letting people down and can’t owe them the time they deserve. I start mourning my old life, again. Like, why can’t I go back to the pain-free no fatigue smizz? And I feel resentment and shame upon myself, like why can’t I fix myself.

This is a regular cycle.

 

Now, the human body/mind is amazingly resilient – and I have adapted to regain some normalcy – i’d never be able to tell you how. Just years of trial and error, of living with it (although sometimes it makes me wonder what even kind of life is this, is it even worth it). I’ve made sacrifices. But I’m glad I can still lead my life to this level and hope it’ll slowly get better.

But this doesn’t stop me wondering how I can fix myself and why I haven’t be able to so far.  I feel like I’m personally failing.  I feel like I’ve tried everything. From mental health, to physical,  to spiritual health. And nothing works. Nothing gets rid of this fatigue. Nothing gets me closer back to my old pain-free life. Where I could multi-task, and just like, never feel tired.

I feel like a wuss talking about it, because you know – I am ALIVE. and am able to lead my life to probably about 70% on good weeks.

But when it’s never ending.

When you don’t feel like yourself.

Like when you constantly feel like you’ve got the flu.

When you’re just left here, hanging. Alone. Without anything to grab hold of – to hoist you back up. With no map. No torch to see through the darkness.

How do you get back?

Sometimes I feel down on myself. Even though I know I shouldn’t. But I do.

I wrote this post a year + ago on what it feels like to have ball-breaking fatigue. And it remains exactly the same today & i think it’s important to re-share it. Because I think fatigue is such an misunderstood thing – like no one knows how dilibertating it is, until you experience it for real.

Check it here: https://smizz.wordpress.com/2014/06/14/discussion-what-it-feels-like-to-have-significant-fatigue-rather-than-just-being-tired/ 

Screen Shot 2013-09-12 at 09.21.48

 

 

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