Today is mothers day in the UK. I know it’s actually quite a tough time out there for all the people who, sadly, no longer have their moms in their lives, and all those people who have difficult relationships with their moms currently.
I know the latter feeling, but on fathers day instead. When I was younger, I’d get kind of jealous of people who had these amazing and supportive relationships with their fathers. For me, the first 14 years of my life – my relationship with my father was an extremely strained one. He either wasn’t there at all and when he was, he was a complete dick. He was abusive and an alcoholic. He made my mom, bro and i homeless when I was 15. And I always felt like it was my fault that he didn’t love me. When I was 19, he tried to make up for his errors, he got in touch after 4 years of disappearing – and I decided to give him a chance, because that’s the buddhist way – but you maybe able to forgive but you can’t forget. Or you can forget but you can’t forgive. I’m not sure which catogry I put myself in. He’s better than he was before, but maybe that’s because we don’t see each other, but he still has his drinking and his mean side which comes out when he only ever calls me when he’s drunk. Now I’m older, I realized I didn’t need him anyways.
I tell you all this because anyone can be a mother or a father – but it takes more than biology to be a mom or dad. Whilst I never really had a ‘dad’, I had many people in my life that stepped up and became like a father-role model in my life, and did more than my real father ever did. Although, it takes time for me to trust any man in my life now.
But my mom was both my mom & dad. She was there for everything. She was my rock. She taught me how to fix lights and plugs. She taught me how to cook. She was the person at parents evening, she was the one who saw me off to prom, she gave me boy advise, and bought me my first alcohol underage (working class doncaster parenting). She was the one who would ground me. She was the one who worked 2 jobs to pay the rent. She was the one who has supported my decisions through not 1 but 2 degrees. She’s the one who has moved me between 100’s of university housing, she’s the one who tells me to follow my heart, and never ever tells me to do something because that’s what societally expected of me. Like saving up for flights rather than houses. She’s brought me up to believe in who I am, to never change, to feel safe in trying new things & taking chances because even if I fail she will be there to catch me when I fall and loose everything. And I know this because she was there when I lost everything. When I fell really poorly.
Getting sick was really shit. I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t even watch bbc iplayer. This though, just made our relationship stronger. She’s been with me every step of the way. She let me off with rent, she tries to cook my favourite dishes to get me to come back home on weekends. She understood why I needed to go into healthcare. She told me to apply for the PhD instead of encouraging a radiotherapy job – because she knows deep down that actually that would probably make me more happy. Getting to combine both of my loves: art and healthcare. Now i feel blessed and grateful for every single extra day that we get together. I never take for granted the time we get alotted, and i know that if i could follow her in her kindness, giving, and work-ethic – i would become a better person.
But the crazy thing is, they say it takes a village to raise a child. And it does. We may only ever have one ‘mom’, but we actually have a lot of moms in our lives. These are the people , our friends, who live 1000’s of miles away who happen to be someone elses mom – but they’re the next person you tell your good news to: like getting your degree, or getting an interview. They’re your friends who when you’re going through a tough time offer to do your washing, or shopping. They’re your friends who pick you up at the hospital. Who send you texts/tweets to see how you’re doing. They’re the professional friends who help you apply for the things you need/want, and take a chance on you, see something in you, and put their neck on the line to help you. Who forgive you when you do something stupid. Who offer their home to you. All of these, asking for nothing in return.
Because that’s what moms do. They give selflessly, make time, not doing something for themselves but for you instead – and they want or ask for nothing in return. So in a way, our good friends are also some of the best moms in our lives.
I’m the person who I am today, because my mom has taught me to be kind, be gentle, be true to yourself. When I felt like I might be dying, all I could think of was my mom. I thought you know, I’ve had this amazing life. And my mom made sure it could be the best it could be despite the horrific poverty and domestic violence we found ourselves in. We now both know, intrinistictly that nothing is certain, everything is up in the air, and our time is limited – so we never take anything for granted and we both encourage each other to YOLO. regularly.
Sometimes people tell me they think I’m independent. But actually this is just something my mom has taught me because she’s one of the most strongest, courageous, and incredibly giving, resourceful and resilient people I’ve ever met. And without her I would be truly lost. I love you mom, and I am forever grateful for every minute we get together and for all the sacrifices you give us.
Happy mothers day to all the amazing moms our there, whether its our real mom, or our friends who fill in those motherly roles from time to time.
Thanks for understanding my heart. It means so much to me. Big shout out to all the work and chances you give us all.
For those who find today difficult, you’re not alone. I’m here 🙂
Your friend, smizz x