In search of a resolution

Before i embarked on my North American clinical & holiday experience, my GP suggested that maybe I should talk to someone who has the time to listen — about everything — from my crazy medical journey to my past dotted with potential traumas. So after a few days of being back in the UK, I saw that recommended counsellor to talk about my nearing 4-5 year medical journey.

I wasn’t best pleased about the idea. It felt like a personal failure. I wasn’t even sure what we’d even talk about — and I certainly wasn’t pleased about the potential things he might make me do – a group session of our feelings perhaps, keeping diaries, ect? Really not Smizz style. But I duly went along because I’ll do anything to feel better, or cope better, and if my nearly upcoming 2 year long headache is something to do with a personal-trauma then let’s get it sorted.

But I was pleasantly surprised. VERY surprised.  I can’t explain how nice it was to just talk to someone impartial who listened compassionately – who was really helpful. He was consistently open. And I don’t think I’ve ever had someone so good at listening, listen to me before. I spoke about how hard it’s been. How misunderstood  & alone I feel in the (health) system. The constant feeling like my time is limited. How I want to make a positive difference. How i feel like a hindrance – to friends, and the NHS. How it’s completely changed my life upside down, inside out, and all the big adjustments I’ve had to make to keep living life as normally as i can. how it affects my work, my relationships, my social time. How it’s hard to live life normally, when it’s no longer my normal life. He made lots of suggestions – including that I should continue to live my life to the fullest.  I left feeling a lil bit lighter. With more food for thought. Because I’ve been dealing with everything alone for some time now, I’ve read A LOT of stuff out there on coping with life adjustments, chronic illnesses, chronic fatigue & pain – ect, ect. And I’ve adapted A LOT of these into my life, so I’m coping well, so I don’t have to go back unless I want to go back and chat – whenever – — since I’m already doing what some of the services offer – and have an awesome support system of friends & fam (who read my whiney long emails and blog posts and tweets). It was especially nice when he said I should be proud for how far i’ve come & how i’ve coped. And that feels weird that I needed to be praised for it — but I guess I needed my struggle to be acknowledged on some level – to feel like I’ve been heard & that it’s been really difficult.

I tell the world wide web about this experience because i know I put off ever going. But I’d recommend and encourage anyone going through something that has changed your life, a struggle- current – ongoing – or past that has changed you, something that’s not resolved itself, if you’re feeling really low, alone, need someone to listen to you – you should go (it’s free, obvs – and it’s really not like you’d expect it be. I genuinely can’t say how good it was) You’re not alone . The cancer of so many struggles is feeling like you need to deal with it in isolation. & it’s difficult because certain (medical) experiences are all uniquely personal. But let others help carry your burden. I know that I’m super lucky because I’ve always got friends and fam who will help me carry the burden – but there’s always more – there’s always stuff there that you didn’t know was there.

So I was up this morning, watching this sunrise — thinking.

Screen Shot 2015-09-27 at 14.19.43
There’s a lot I don’t know, there’s a lot I’m still learning. When I think I’m letting go, I find that my body its still burning. 
And I’m still held down, and Its still got me living in the past. Come on and pick me up. Someone help me clear this wreckage from the blast. But i’m alive. & I don’t need a witness to know that I survived. I’m not looking for forgiveness but I need a light in the dark to search for a resolution.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve gone from 0 to 100. I’m going to try and start rock climbing (once i get my dodgy foot looked at) – i’m back on my fixie and I’ve told myself — I’m going to go a search for the Northern Lights over this next year.  I really want to use this crazy medical/life experience to make the pathways so much better for future patients / service users. We should see every act as a contribution to a finite set of acts, all building to a contribution of goodness to the world. We should not delay working on the things that make us feel alive in the world, and help the world feel alive. We spend so little time trying to make the most out of the time we get. Your time is too valuable to let a moment go to waste. Steal as much life as you can out of each day

Published by smizz

Artist → Re-evaluating life→ Rad Oncology graduate + public health worker→ @lab4living PhD-er → Want 2 make a positive difference → Rule-Breaker → LIVE DRAWZ! → councillor! → Loves cities → rides fixie → adventures → wanna be ramen master → <3 Tokyo + NYC

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: