i work very hard

i did this reflections piece for #class and in it, i said that I was bitter.

i was given advise of that i need to stop being bitter by my previous professor, michael corris, saying that i need to forget what was – and concentrate on what will be. and what is right now. i didn’t think it was bitterness until a few months ago.

i said in my new years resolutions that i would try and concentrate on what is and will be. but its difficult doing that with such baggage that i have. because the problems of the past still linger in the shadows. it is exactly this baggage which makes me bitter.

i see everyone else getting the respect that they deserve – (not everyone…. exaggeration there!) but a lot of folks. i have worked from the god-damn bottom up yo! i’ve been homeless, i’ve helped my mom back to health from cancer – and my family is a superrrrrr small unit – it’s me, my mom and my younger bro, i’ve never got ANY financial support from family for college, travel and the internships that i’ve done, i work many part time jobs, lived below the poverty line for much of my life, and i have the WORST credit check you can think of. and it’s fine because everything i do, i do in my own terms.

and i always feel like i dont deserve to be at college. i should be working. it’s all about the work ethic in my family. i constantly feel inadequate, you know, because i grew up very uncultured, poor education and thus i’m not as smart as your normal kid. but i’ve still come along way. so i get paranoid that everyone knows i’m stupid.

And then i see people (people i don’t know & people i do know) who live off parents trust funds, and shit like that. have this luxurious life of being able to rest on their morals  in their parents basement – painting or whatever – without having to work a job, and just waiting for their career to blossom.

Now i’m not saying they dont deserve it or that they dont work as hard. this would be untrue.

I just have this bitterness that no one really appericates what i do ya know. and i’m young – but i don’t think this will change. i think no one will know who the fuck sarah smizz is.  or if they do, they’ll be like- taht stupid 12 year old looking kids from the UK.  I’ve come along way people. imagine what i could be if i had come from a nice comfortable semi culture life?  yeaaaaaah.

I’m just saying, i think hard work should be respected just as much as reinventing the wheel.

now i’ve got that off my chest. I can go back to trying not to be bitter.


Published by smizz

I've had this blog since I was 17. I use it process thinking & work. It's changed with how my life has changed. Artist → Re-evaluating life→ Rad Oncology graduate + public health worker→ @lab4living PhD-er → Want 2 make a positive difference → Rule-Breaker → LIVE DRAWZ! → councillor! → Loves cities → rides fixie → adventures → wanna be ramen master → <3 Tokyo + NYC

2 thoughts on “i work very hard

  1. I just ran into your post, and for whatever it is worth, there will always be people smarter, prettier, richer, thinner and just as many the opposite. There are a&%holes everywhere and nice people who will give you a break. What am I saying? YOU seem very bright, motivated, and you have the drive to succeed. When I was in art school, I was told 10% talent(gift) and 90% perspiration (persistence,determination) is the key to success which has proven to be true in my case.

    I wished I had not spent so many years looking at others and concentrated on my own visions, gifts, and interest. We are all given a rare talent but it is so buried by the crap of life, we rarely tap into what we were endowed. Keep drilling hon, you will reach what you are deeply seeking, approval and admiration.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: