the same ol’ bee in my bonnet

So, it’s been one of those days which means that I’ve had way too much time to think. on the train home from Sheffield and such.

Wouldn’t life be so much better if I could take 100’s of interning jobs without having to work 2 part time jobs to make ends meet. so i can study?  wouldn’t it be so cool if my high school had awesome opportunities like newspapers, radio shows etc?

Wouldn’t it be so easy if i was white male and middle class and slightly somewhat cultured.

I look back on my inspirations, the people i have met on the way, things that i’ve done and although i am completely 100% amazed at where i am right now. In the great scheme of things – it’s actually not very far. The average well connected, middle class kid by now would have at least 2-3 internships on their belt, be published regularily, and having shows and so forth, and well regarded in some circles.

I’m still chucking stuff around and seeing if it sticks. I have to constantly look back at the past because it’s always there. I have to go home and look after my mom. I have to help her out with money some months – and that’s cool. I didn’t know about art growing up. I constructed it myself. Is this a good thing? iT Should be surely. but i dont think it is. i wanna know my area with craft and knowledge. with a specialism. all the travelling I have done, ive funded. ive had to eat shit food. real bad food. not go out or just go out 4 one drink. missed out on core socialising because my mom isnt gonna pay for it.

and this is a rant with no specifics and no direction and no purpose other than a literally a very happy self pity. what an oxymoron?

I’m proud of myself of what ive managed to achieve through everything (see other blog posts for details) and yet i still can’t shake off my inadequate education feeling, the potential openings there are for rich/middle class/socially connected people  that people like myself can never seem to get and how it just doesnt rain, it pours.

I strut my stuff like a fucking peacock to people i wish would feel proud and happy for me, yet i look at what their families and themselves have achieved and my stuff seems so stupid and insignificant. then i think perhaps their support is as hallow as an easter egg. empty and false.

if i was rich, what would i be right now? what would have been my potentials then?

I wouldn’t change my background for anything. i just wish i could get over it.

I think of Sartre and Extientialism where  he believes that Everyone has the ability to pursue their life, to make choices and face the consuqences, life is our responsiblity – ultimately.

All choice is influenced, not forced, to elevate force from influence just provides you with another reason to escape your responsiblitles. “existence preceeds essence” : you have teh ability to choose who you will be.

That i have done, and it has been a difficult path but could i have been more persistant?
He has has stages of Extenstialism developlment all humans go through
Bad Faith- You let people decide your life for you

Angst (process) – you start to realize you choices in life but do nothing

abandonment : you realizes your responsiblities and choices but however parazlyed by all the different options.

despair – you have accepted your responsiblites, life, and is able to act.

just needed to get that off my chest for the 10000878676566464th time.

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