For all those lucky enough to know me, you will know that I quite often like to over share. Sometimes, more often than not, dramatic Eastender-like stories from my life in the Donx, like that time when we were homeless… or perhaps my mom getting married – when she disappeared for 5 months, and like 9 months later the dude died….in my house?!… or how about that time i was considered mentally backwards at school or that i had big learning difficulties – or even when i didn’t start talking till I was 6 (made up for it via oversharing?) and had to have a speech therapist…. to name a very distant few.
Many of you will know the courageous story of how thicko working class smizz got to university – thanks to a few people who helped ‘mentor’ me @ highschool towards the end… and those who i managed to blagg their help after alot of emails whilst at university.
Truth is. I’m getting worse as i get older… i dont know whether this is just an age thing – or an experience thing – or because i spend alot of time with richie who lets face it – is a lil’ bit socially inept with a habit of sharing too much. Unlike his stories though, mine tend to be dramatic and socially awkward because you’re like – shit – i never knew that.. how did she turn out this semi normal?
To prove my point: here is another overshare
I’ve started to notice that my lack of a father role model is being more of an issue for me in my own struggle to define myself. I alway felt like it would both kids not having a dad-like figure around. Wrong! It affects me now, it’s never bothered me until i got to uni. It’s like everyone in the Donx doesn’t have a dad – or they fucked up – but then again, most people have some1 else to fill that role. not me wHICH IS FINE, BECAUSe i’ve always told myself that I’LL BE DAMNED IF I EVER LET A MAN SUPPORT ME AGAIN!
But now I’m like – well why doesn’t he want to know me… what kind of person does this make me? is it ME that he doesn’t want to know… And then most of my friends at uni come from these strong backgrounds, their parents give them money and pay their rent – and they have the upmost respect from their parents, and they know how important doing what they do is.
I don’t have that. My mom’s great and she helps when she can – but other than that. I’m alone, I’m a lonewolf. I do pretty much everything myself. which is great again – on a independant stance – but when you’re feeling abit shit over who you are – and what you actually stand for as a person – what have you done with your life… if i was to die this week – what will I leave behind? I have no legacey, nothing much 2 be proud or call my own. aNd i’m shitting myself over assessments and MA presentations (thus the work)
And then i have 2 remind myself, college credit is nothing 2 define a person over- but if i want to make anything out of myself… i need to get the grades, cuz chances like these dont happen 2 kids like smizzle – often.
Who am i? what am i becoming?
I can tell you something though… regardless of what happens – i know i have some freaking amazing friendships – and i’d like to think that they would stand for something in context of me and my life.\
so with this overshare in mind: tomorrow im going to read, and read good! i’M THEn going re-write a statement of intent – and write a review and do some sketchbook work and possible start another piece of work. and then to reward myself – watch a movie – perhaps wall-e or 21/> i dunno which one 2 choose.
overshare finished. now what would i do with out a blog eh?!