Date Deal Breakers

A few years ago, when I was 18 (so 2 years ago) I got myself an online dating profile. I deleted it when I noticed that it came up when you typed sarah smizz into google. I couldn’t be having that – runing all those arty links an all. So I deleted it. But since I haven’t got any in a while (lets face it im more busy than Bush tryna make shit loads of  shit laws before Obama gets into the white house) I merely reconsidered for a mini second about rejoining an online dating site. Then I caught sight of my ideas and thought – man thats just sad smizz. I get the ‘boyfriend blues’ (aka pine for some1 2 pay for dinner and a movie and thats it) once every 5 months or so. Especially near xmas… means another gift right lol?

Read Actual Books. Oh dear lord, do not list magazines in the “favorite books” portion of your online profile. I’m not saying you have to be a book worm, but it would be nice if you’ve read at least one book in the past year. Or at least brought a book with you on your last vacation, even if you never got around to actually reading it. I also have good book taste, just to add.

Have Pictures. This one is strictly an online profile pet peeve. But seriously, have pictures. Having to ask for them is awkward and makes me feel more superficial than I really am. In order to avoid that unpleasantness, if you message me and you don’t have pictures, I will just ignore you, which somehow makes me not feel as superficial.

Smokers. We all have our vices, and yeah, that Big Mac isn’t doing me any favors, but smoking is just lame. And I don’t care how much gum you chew afterwards, I can still taste it and smell it on you. Gross.

Weird Collectibles. Okay, let’s say you go on a date. Everything goes wonderfully. Afterwards he invites you in for a drink. No hanky panky! You have your well prepared drink in hand while he shows you around his beautiful place. And then he shows you the display cabinet with his Precious Moments collectible statues collection, where you quickly count over a hundred creepily cutesy big-eyed kids reenacting every possible life experience before your very eyes. Oh, and he tells you there are more in boxes in the garage, but he ran out of room in the display cabinet. And then there’s more in the bedroom, which you only saw on the tour, and not because you broke your no hanky panky rule. 

Baseball cards? Comic books? Sure, I can handle it. But some things are just not meant to be collected by normal people.

Be Well Groomed. In the clean sense, not groomed by someone.  Short, clean fingernails are well appreciated.

But Not Over-Groomed. Don’t have girl eyebrows. Thanks.

College Education. This one’s a bit dicey. There are a lot of reasons why people didn’t or can’t go to college. Not everyone has the support in their lives to make it an expected next step after high school. But I think it’s the aspirations that matter most. If they didn’t go because they had to get a job right out of high school due to financial or other issues, but they’ve always planned on going back at some point, that’s one thing. But if they went for a semester and dropped out because a professor was giving them too much homework, and they don’t plan on ever going back, then that’s another.

Different Job Schedules. I leave the house at 9-10ish most days, work 10-7/8ish at uni, and get home at between 6:30-9pm most evenings Monday through Friday. I’m sorry you had that day off, but after a long day of work, I don’t want to hang out with you. I want to get into my pajamas and watch TV. And no, I don’t want to meet up at 11 on Saturday night after you get off from work either.

Lives with his Parents. Okay fine, so we’re not all perfect. I’m twenty and probably after I graduate will run away and live back at home when I cant get a job.  It’s not that I can’t live on my own, it’s just that I choose not to right now. I’d rather save up to move 2 a different country rather than rent at the moment, thank you very much.

There we have it. Writing out this list makes me feel like a conceited bastard, but I don’t think anything here is too outrageous to expect in a date. And keep in mind this list doesn’t take into account the x-factor, the butterflies in the stomach, or any of those other dreaded swoon-inducing qualities that make you go “dang!”

what are yours?

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