So when my moms husband of 8 months died on Monday morning, from a number of things, I was confronted with something I’ve never really thought/felt about.
This being, the empty void of unfilled plans.
Having only lost 1 close relative, my granny, this is a new experience. With a difference, also. My gran died when I was working and travelling in the USA for 4 months, so I couldn’t go back home as I had a contract to fulfill and a J-1 Visa (not mentioning how much all this cost me) and it was expected, and even a good thing. She had alzhimers and that’s never a good thing. But this was unexpected.
This notion of the unexpected continues to baffle my mind. Everything is all routine and in a plan, well most things. From TV scheduals, train times, store opening times…. working rotars and school timetables etc. Our lives are forged around the expectance of days and times of days that aren’t even yet in existence – since the past and future are also just concepts. And like Heidegger suggests, death and birth are the only things certain (more so death) that bring us closer to us accessing our ‘Being’. and this is true.
Death, especially unexpected, brings any plans to collapse on in itself. Indeed the trains still run, and the stores still open but you don’t care. And this is indeed that important moment. All I can think of is all the plans that you have with that person, “we’ll do it next week…. Let’s do up the kitchen in the summer…. lets do this and that…” and what is left? A cycle of plans, if’s, buts, and future ideals – that have never existed and seize to be.
I was feeling really nervous about my trip to America on my own for a month in NYC with no support of a company like Camp America – no definates that I’ll meet a friend – just me… but I now feel strong again. Life is too short not to take notice, not to make plans that never happen. Always be grateful, live life to the edge. If you wanna do something – just fucking do it, regardless what parents, or society would say – or even your bankbalance. If it makes you happy, or you think it will help live the existence that you want… you just got to do it.
This is more a note to myself. And you know, fuck it. I can tell you also, it’s your friends that are there are at all of these times, so it is important not only to seize the day but to apperiate and keep your close friends.