So tonight in my boredom – I told myself today was going to be a COMPLETErelaxing day. I haven’t had one of these for years. Fo’ real. I’m not even exaggerating. Even days when I chill and do hardly nothing – I still do like one piece of something which could be ‘arty’ or ‘work related’ for example… Read a book on art, upload work, write something about/on my practice….draw.. graff… etc. It’s always there.
It took alot of discipline, but I did it. I thought whilst I’m at home in the Donx for the last day for weeks (gotta work krazy hard over this next week for the exhibition) I’m going to have a REAL relaxing day. No stress, no mess… hardly any internet or computer! Just me and the TV. I haven’t watched this much TV in one day since I was like in year 9 or something! So I ended up watching a hardcore marathon of House M.D. Season 3 for the entire afternoon and the Cars, the movie.. and The Simpsons and topped the night off with watching Billy Eliott.
Anyways, I went on my old blog that I kept in my 6th form years and found a post that I wrote on August 17th 2006. Some krazy nearly 2 years ago… Here it is.
“Things are changing. I kind of like it. Although it seems like I was just a retarded year 7 just yesterday I’m about to enter University life of a Fine Arts student [ may I just add without a foundation – which makes my situation scarier! ]. Holy Crap. I’ve grown a year older – if you’re a pessimist, a year closer to death – and I’m different.
I can feel it.
I know who I am. I know what I like, what I don’t, who I like and who I don’t and I’m unapologetic about it all. I don’t have to change who I am anymore, gone are the days of my chameleon like personality changes. I am ME! Take me or leave me.
I know my faults. I’m a big complainer. At times it can be extremely annoying, even to myself. I’ll find something to complain about if I’m not comfortable, be it physically or emotionally. It’s my way of coping. Making others aware of things that are wrong, without actually saying that there is something wrong with me. That’s the way I hide that I’m unhappy although, I don’t know how good of a job I’m doing.
At times I’m rude, most of the it’s completely unintentionally. However that’s not an excuse. I’ll say things, or more recently email, that aren’t appropriate or uncalled for to the wrong people at the wrong time. I’ve made a conscious effort to change this…
And I’m okay with them! Most people won’t even admit to their faults, much less admit that they are a part of their personality and that will be with them most likely for the rest of their lives unless they try to change. My faults may one day turn out to be help usher in a set of good qualities that I never even knew I had.
I’m thinking about changing the title of the blog to The Road to represent the journey I’m on [cliche- i know]. Shedding the skin of adolescence and growing into an adult. This next academic/social year is sure bring it’s own set of challenge and difficulties. But, I’m ready. I’m ready to face them head on, no doubts , no regrets … just go. ” Wanna read more random posts go here: -> http://smizz.spaces.live.com/blog/
Anyways, “I gots ta thinking”… I’m now in a position to offer myself some reflection. I loved how overly confident I am in this snippet of my blog. I KNOW WHO I AM! I know what I don’t like and I’m here! Take me or leave me….
But now I’m not really sure who i am at all? Everytime I think I stumble onto something about myself… It changes. The more I read, the more it messes with my head. The work I produce on my course is only half positioned by what i really want to do. I know what my artistic identity is, it’s just that the general course doesn’t accept it – And that’s fine because if I can find something else that is as equal to my identity or help it and learn as many new things as possible then that’s cool… but it also means I am denying some part of what I love to do.
It feels strange to think i left highschool only 1 and a half years ago. iT Feels like some 5 years. I have grown…. in maturity… through experience…. I have grown in vocab – it’s not as good as I want it yet though! I have grown in my contemporary art and theory knowledge… I’m a philosophical being now… I feel comfortable to live in America for 4 months without the company of those who I know. I’m alot more money conscious even though I still could be alot better at it… I don’t mind going places alone – I’ve even calleda fewpeople on the phone (I HATE doing that!). I still cringe about things in the past, even though I know that they don’t ever physically exist anymore. Yet despite this all… I can’t tell you I know exactly who I am! I can definitely point out my faults until the cows come home, ya know? And I can tell you exactly what I like… but not so much what I dislike… perhaps this is a good thing?
I still hate goodbyes though. And I complain in my dry sense of humour way….and yep.. one is totally judgemental but not in a bad way. I might judge – but I know that moment when it happens – so I take it back, and it never, ever affects how I interact with someone. No one, is ever in a position to judge other people – yet we all do – and those people who say they don’t are lying. It’s inevitable. The white middle class paradigm in which we refer to everything as “normal” and if things don’t fit into our social sphere we batter, and break-down and alienate those who do not fit the ‘normal’ stereotype until they are normal enough or instead they are just ridiculed. But what kind of society has this created? A society where the ignorant reign. A society where enlightened must hold their tongues. A nation whose politicians must profess half-hearted devotion to an ancient fable or face the disastrous consequences of speaking their true mind…
So here’s me 1 and half years on:
I’m here. I’m alive and more conscious than I was 2 years ago. I’m more mature; alot more well travelled and cultured… educated just ever so slightly more… more optimistic but with this comes a shot of skepticism. I’m on the verge of the start of thinking through my plans to stage the spiritual revolution to kill the false Being inside. How? I’m not sure yet… I’m hoping I will have devised a plan by the time I graduate… I know that the core of mans existence comes from new experiences… I’m much more social than I was 2 years ago and I no longer ever write anything bitchy down – especially in Emails. (haha) That happiness only exists when shared and that life is far to short to be pissed at people. Always help when ever you can, and that if there is one thing I want to achieve: it is to have tried and to make a positive difference. Friendship is everything and for me, art. Bask in the things that truly make you happy… and always take a harder route that may lead to disappointment but ultimately closer to your dreams, than if you took an easier road to avoid failure or to join the hordes of Call centre job people who have all given up on their ideals.
A quote which sums up perfectly what this blog is reflecting is :
“…the sea’s only gifts are harsh blows and, occasionally, the chance to feel strong. Now, I don’t know much about the sea, but I do know that that’s the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong, to measure yourself at least once, to find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions, facing blind, deaf stone alone, with nothing to help you but your own hands and your own head…”
— Bear Meat by Primo Levi