BIG SCARE

Today I probably had the biggest scare of my University Career.

We have these amazing talks called Transmission Lectures and a real practicing artist or art critic comes and talks to us about their thing. Of course, not all the artists are amazing. Some artists and critics are AMAZING which then puts the artists who are good but look slightly bad incomparison to other lecturing artists. This is unfair to judge artists against artists, of course. But I think it’s just something that happens.

Everybody has favourites. Regardless of whether they say they don’t. For example, I know I’m my mom’s favourite (she tells me when she’s drunk.)

However, there is this “rumour” that a student keeps a critical blog on contemporary arts and criticised the an artist from Transmission on it. The artist – google-ing themselves – as we all do – found the blog and wasn’t best impressed.

Now why did this worry me? We I had written art criticism on his practice- however LUCKILY I haven’t postsed it. pHew.

Theoretically, say I had though. Why does it still worry me? Well, I have been in a similar  position when I was at 6th form as Head Girl. I wrote an email quoting the Head calling us, ” 1,400 idiots in this school” (calling us idiots along side many deogratry stuff) and I called him a “slyyyy motherfucker LOL < – – –  lol indicates a joke” along side other things he had said and other jokes in an email 2 A FRIEND , PRIVATELY. And I got excluded for it. NOT officially.  They scared me into never going into school again (I was headgirl at the time, I had finished my exams and was just fullfilling my responisbilities)  He told me,  if I hadn’t already taken my exams he would have stopped me and if I turned up in school again then he’d ring my chosen University up and tell them not accept me because, ” they don’t want students like me in their institutions” You know. Then he asked how that would have affected me? Would it ruin my future? Nasty.

I later found out that his threat was indeed an illegal one.

It didn’t stop there, I admit it wasn’t the most mature thing I’ve done – (I was just 18 – never been introuble before this )but when it’s a private email [not public] you don’t really expect it 2 kick you in the ass.

It was indeed a lesson to be learned. He degraded me, made up lies as to why I wasn’t allowed into school – It went from disrespecting to they were worried that I was going to create a revolution. (despite it took 2 weeks for them uncover the email and i could have done it already IF – WHICH IT WASN’T- revolution was what I was wanting 2 do) Stopped me from participating in Summer school – so i had 2 work at Toyworld, and They wouldn’t let me pick up my certificate of results up. Ironically I got the best grades – of that year 2 A’s and 1 B but it was 1 mark off another A.

It stripped me of my own confidence [ that had taken me 3-4 years to build up] Left me hopeless in the system. School was the only place I could call home – and this was true most of the time. I would stay till the caretakers chucked me out. School was the best days of my life. I never missed a day even when I was crazy ill because I didn’t want to miss something. And they knew this. They knew my hardships. So they made sure they got rid of the one stable thing that I fully enjoyed.  because this would be the cruelest and the most lesson learning thing to do.

I have just been getting over the effects. Sometime before summer, but that moment of me having a negative opinion and someone finding out brought it all back., i Felt myself proper freaking out. I can’t explain. I even wanted 2 cry – how melodramatic but its true. the previous experience has taught me… no matter how wrong the other person is – if they have more power than you – and you disrespect them. They’ll strip you of what is most imporant. They’ll make lies that exagerate your ‘crime’ untill something is done.

I must say though, I am so releaved that It wasn’t me, but at the sametime I love abit of heroic story which shows taht you’re not wrong and reveals the depressive structure system that you have no control over. You think you can change it, but you can’t. You gotta play the game to get to the top to have the chance to change it.

Me being unofficially excluded turned out 2 be a good thing in the end because it makes me seem more interesting. And I always love 2 shock people with the story – What? You? Never…. You’re such a nice kid/

But is looking cool enough to have you lack a confidence level? You might see this “fear” around people in authority such as lecturers. I have to establish a kinda ‘trust’ with them and then we move on. aNd my nervous displacement is removed. The more important the lecturer is- the more nervous I really am. To the point where I stutter and mix all my words up – which isn’t really like me at all. And I’m not sure why, I just know that it is a reprecussion from the school thing.

Fo sheezy

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